When the Cupcakes are Actually Cheesecake
Just a few days ago, I had my see you later / have a great summer dinner with my community. We were enjoying a meal of beef tips and perfectly cooked rice (in honor of my Filipino heritage) with a bottle of 14 Hands Hot to Trot (in honor of my Washington heritage). One of the Consecrated asked me one of the coolest questions I've ever been asked: "If you were to make the last nine months into a bottle of wine, what would you put into it?"
After what has been a year of asking difficult questions and waiting for answers, this one was a fun one. As my head started to swim with thoughts of different varietals, and notes of tree bark, cocoa, dark plum, and vanilla, I travelled through the many memories that have been made in this journey with Jesus. It's certainly not easy to encapsulate 9 months in one beverage or even one word, but here are a few things that remained consistent through the year.
Discernment is about listening. When someone says, "I'm going to discern," the announcement is often met with celebration and claims that the person is "brave" or "generous." Unfortunately, this news is often accompanied by unrealistic pressure (and even a type of idolatry) in which the discerner feels like she is on a predetermined path with a definite destination. But something I've learned is that discernment is about listening. It's about taking the time to pray and be with the Lord to claim the gifts He has given you and accept the mission that He is presenting to you for the good of the Church and the world. It can happen over the course of a year or two or it can even be done on a daily basis. Sometimes it involves things that God is inviting me to do, but other times it's receiving the blessings He is pouring out onto my heart and knowing it is His voice that I am hearing.
Living with a community who has the same goals as me has made life not only easier but also more rewarding. When I made my very first visit to the Consecrated Women of Regnum Christi, I was blown away by their love for Jesus and desire for heaven. This spirit resides in the hearts and homes of the many people I met. The community I lived with extended beyond the walls of the Consecrated's house and into the hearts of the Legionary priests, Pinecrest Academy community, and lay members of Regnum Christi. I could see this desire to love Jesus on our Mercy Missions, school retreats, family dinners, and even administrative activities. Everything pointed to Jesus and bringing hearts to Him so that we can all see God now in the present and in the future in heaven.
I am so deeply loved by the one true King who has already claimed me as His own. There is much to do with this love, and I already have all the tools that I need to live out the mission He is giving me. One of the sweetest fruits I've noticed of this year is my realization of my role as daughter of God. At my baptism, He already claimed me! And I hadn't been living that out. I feel like my eyes have been opened to the gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit that have been bestowed upon me in the sacraments. Really, I've already talked about this in length...and I will forever believe that baptism is better than flying first class.
Sometimes the cupcake is a cheesecake. Let me explain. When I went on my silent retreat, I had so many lights and encounters with Jesus, but there was one that helps me to sum up the year. There was an incident that happened during dinner one evening, and since it was all in silence, we couldn't really express much about the meals. But there are some facial expressions that you can never forget. A woman famous for her desserts had volunteered to handle the meals for us. I was happy when we had cupcakes to accompany our dinner. After finishing the delicious main course, I marched up to the dessert table and saw what looked like four different flavors of cupcakes. I picked the chocolate one (of course). Upon placing it on my place, I noticed that it didn't quite have the consistency of a cupcake. When I got back to my table, I rejoiced...the cupcake wasn't a cupcake. It was cheesecake! And cheesecake in my opinion, is so much better than a cupcake! I happily began to satisfy my sweet tooth and looked up as one of my friends also went to the dessert table. She picked up a cheesecake and her jaw DROPPED to the floor. She was discovering the same thing I was discovering...that something can look good and then your expectations are completely exceeded because it's something even better! This is life with Christ. Better than you could have ever expected it to be. And in all honesty, it was even better when someone else experienced it and Jesus gave me the eyes to see it.
While this time of official vocational discernment will come to an end, these four things that I experienced in abundance this year are four things that I expect to live and treasure my entire life. God is generous. He communicates with us in languages we understand, whether they be through people we love who love us in return or even through our favorite desserts.
My beautiful community....Photo by B. Taira
In case you're wondering, my response to the wine question was "a rose de malbec with floral notes." A rose with floral notes because this year reminds me so much of a flower. It was planted. I got impatient as I waited for it to grow. I sat over it and wondered if anything had been planted in the first place. Then I saw the little buds. And it didn't always look quite like I thought it would. I thought it needed to be transplanted and maybe even pruned, but what it was really asking for was time - just like a good wine needs to mature, so does the fruit of a vocation. And of course, it had to be malbec because as I've said over and over, I love malbec because it doesn't taste like anything else - and this year is definitely one that has been unlike any other.