Hot Mess

I like to think it all started when I bought 3 pounds of gummy bears. And I'm ashamed to say they weren't even regular gummy bears. They were chocolate covered gummy bears. But if I had to guess more accurately, my "stress eating" started before that.

This past Monday I had plans to watch the National College Football Championship, and because I don't know how to "let things go," I am still thinking about it today. Anyway, in preparation for the big game, which I knew was going to be quite a nailbiter, I stopped by WinCo for some snacks. My friend asked me to pick up some guacamole, and somewhere between the chip aisle and refrigerated dip section, my mind told me I needed gummy bears. I filled a bag from the bulk bin and hoped I wouldn't see anyone I knew. After all, I only run into people I know in the grocery store when I'm doing my junk food runs (Don't lie....you know we all do it.)

Today I stopped by my favorite crepe place because I knew I had a free crepe (I mean, buy 9 and get the 10th one free is too good to pass up, am I right?) One to always support small businesses, I didn't feel right just popping in for free goods, so I asked the employee to tell me about their baked goods. Did I go for a gluten free moderately healthy muffin? No. I got a cookie the size of Mount Everest.

Believe it or not (but I definitely think there is reason to believe it), this cookie is called "The Hot Mess." Nine hours after I purchased it, I still haven't finished it. It seems to me like there is a lot of unfinished business in my life. I feel that way today, and I felt that way on Monday, too. As the football sailed through the air into a wide open receiver, I wanted nothing more than to stuff my mouth with gummy bears and deny that my Georgia Bulldogs had missed out on the National Title. But when I watched replays of Jacob Eason waiting on Jake Fromm in the tunnel and when I saw photos from Sony Michel posted on Twitter saying "this locker is cleaned out," I thought to myself...It's not finished yet. We're building up a team that will be ready for what's to come. We're good now, but we will be great in 145 days when we kick off the 2018 season.

For my birthday, one of my dear friends got me this cookbook.

I like to think this was gifted as a joke, a way to laugh at myself as I work my way through the kitchen. But now as I sit with my Hot Mess cookie and big bag of gummy bears, I wonder, "What does it really mean to be "a hot mess?" I don't think it can be any different from a regular mess - something that you're not going to keep the way it is, something that is, in essence, still a work in progress. And if that's the case, by all means, call me a HOT MESS x 2! I struggle a lot with "what's the next big thing? Where am I going to be in ten years?" or even better "Where am I SUPPOSED to be in ten years?" I stress about whether or not I'm in the right job or if I'll ever find the right relationships that will flourish in my life. I get sucked in by social media and see what my friends are up to, and I feel inadequate. And I just want to be where I'm supposed to be now now now. I want it all figured out. But when that happens, what next? I have to figure out the next thing and then the next and the next.

I gets me to thinking..."Is it really so bad to just live in the moment?" I have a dear friend who would often tell me, "Christ is in the present. He walks with you where you are." Those word offer me comfort. Life is messy. Living in the present moment is messy. It's not easy, and it isn't meant to be. But at the end, when all the mess is gone, we realize that it was all worth it. It was all for a reason. We realize we were worth the fuss. We were worth all the work. And as much as we think we're the ones cleaning up the hot mess that we often are, we're not. As much as we try, we'll always be incomplete. There will always be some crack or crevice with dust that builds up that we just can't reach. And that's when we know it's time to welcome in the big guy. Christ can reach all those spaces we don't even see when we just invite him in. When I realize that's all I need to do, I'm apt to put the gummy bears away and just accept that He is there and he puts the right people and circumstances in my life when I need them.

So yes, I admit there will probably always be days when i get sucked into the bulk bins at Winco. There will always be days when I will want an extra glass of wine. There will even be days when I crack open that cookbook and make "Quarter Life Crisis Queso," but I find some solace in knowing it will all be okay. I'm not really a "hot mess." I'm just not finished yet. And I guess that's why we get more days to try to figure it out.