100 Days of Discernment

"Do you like roller coasters?"

This is the question that Fr. Brett Taira, LC asked us today during his homily at Mass. I could hear a few people saying, "No!" followed by a few chuckles. If I were a more outgoing person, maybe I would have joined in those no's. I don't like roller coasters. I'm not thrill seeker, and I don't like unpredictable twists and turns.

In fact, this reminds me of a story about a trip to Silverwood where, out of charity, I promised my coworker that I would ride any rollercoaster with her as long as it didn't go upside down. She picked one and we got in line. The closer we got to the front of the line, I realized that I had been duped! Aftershock at Silverwood MOST DEFINITELY goes upside down. Now, people would tell me that I "should have known" and that I could have backed out. But I stood firm and didn't back down on my commitment. That moment was a lesson in trust in the Good Lord to keep me from one of my worst nightmares of getting stuck upside down on a roller coaster from coming true!

Fr. Brett continued his homily by saying that when we're on a roller coaster (like the roller coaster that has been 2020), we have options of what we can do. We can close our eyes and tighten our bodies, gripping the handles until it's over. Or we can look at it with our eyes open so we know what to expect as we lean into the turns. Those words spoke to my heart as I realize what today is: my official hundredth day of discernment in community with the Consecrated Women of Regnum Christi. And I thought about another roller coaster image that a friend of mine sent me as I was praying about my vocation:

I remember how scared I was when I first started this journey of discernment, but there was always a little bit of excitement there as I started to open the great gifts that Jesus has in store for me. There have been days when I've been able to "lean in to the turn" and days when I've excitedly raised my arms in the air and let the Spirit take over me on this great adventure. There have also been days when I've been afraid of not being in control and others when it was so easy to surrender that even falling was no longer an obstacle because I trusted that Jesus would catch me.

It's only been 100 days, but they have been exciting days that have whipped me around on an adventure I would never have chosen for myself. (As I often say, "none of this was my idea...it's too good...it was all Him!") I've been twisted and jerked around sharp corners, and yes, even turned upside down. And yet, I wouldn't change it for anything because I can feel myself growing stronger, braver, more trusting, and more excited to follow the One who led me here in the first place.

Looking at all the circumstances of my vocational discernment, there are a lot of things that don't make sense from the outside looking in. People would tell me that I'm crazy for starting this journey at my age, in the middle of a pandemic. But God's timing is perfect, and every now and then I feel like I catch a glimpse of what His plan looks like through His eyes and I think to myself, "How can I possibly turn this down?"

Looking back on these first 100 days, I've experienced ups and downs, just like any good roller coaster does. And I have a feeling that when I get off of this wild and crazy ride, I'll look back at it and say, "I'd do it all again in a heartbeat."