Words

I recently heard someone say that "A single kind word is enough to warm three winters."

I thought two things when I heard this:

1. Fire

2. I wonder if he (the person who said this) really believes that.

According to Gary Chapman's Love Languages test, my love language is Words of Affirmation. In order for my "love tank" to feel full, I have to hear that people love me. I have to be affirmed for what I've done well. I feel most unloved when I'm denied these words or when the words that people aim my way are harsh and abrasive.

I've been wondering why, when I heard the word "warmth," I thought of fire and not mittens or a mug of hot chocolate. Why such a destructive form of warmth instead of a cozy, safe hand-knitted sweater? I guess that Gary Chapman's assessment is even more accurate than I originally thought. Words are potent. Words stick with me. For someone like me, who writes out everything, words are a tool for empowerment, but they're also tools of devastation.

This Lent, I've been working on a program through All Things Women, called Healing the Whole Person, which was developed by the John Paul II Healing Center. And it has been a painful process with lots of tears and lots of vulnerability, but it has also revealed so much to me about myself. One of the things that the program has us do is identify one of the times when we've felt most loved. I felt blessed to have several of these moments, but the one that stood out the most was a time when I was living in community with the Consecrated Women of Regnum Christi and to make a long story short, I wrecked not one but two of the community vehicles. I braced myself for a harsh scolding and got none. Rather, I was cared for, met by genuine concern and shown compassion. I will never forget one of the women who hugged me and said, "Jesus doesn't want us to worry about these material things."

Hearing those words in that moment were exactly what I needed, and in examining my life now, I realize that gentle words have not been common in my adulthood. I've been met with taunts, teasing, and insults, often from people who I expected to love me the most. I wish it weren't such a big deal. I wish I didn't feel so hurt. I wish I had thicker skin. Maybe someone is even reading this and rolling their eyes, sticks and stones and all that. But maybe my vulnerability to speech is just the gift we need nowadays.

I was listening to Fr. Mike Schmitz's homily today, and something really stood out to me. He shared that we tend to find what we're looking for. For example, if we are in a room looking for red items, we'll see red items everywhere, but we might miss all of the blue items. Having heard this, I wondered if maybe I've been noticing all of the sensitivities I've had against unkind words because they've hurt me so much and now I've become defensive against them. If this were the case, wouldn't it also be true that if I looked for the affirming words that they would be more noticeable.

I guess my example of when I've felt most loved is the exception rather than the rule (How unfortunate...What a great world this would be if it were the other way around!) But it also got me thinking that if the world is at a loss for true, affirming words, would it make a difference if we put them there? In the words of St. Therese of Lisieux, "Where there is no love, put love, and you will find love."