I Almost Gave Up

"Ok...this is for the souls in purgatory."

That was what I said to my fellow runners before my first Candy Mountain 5K Run to benefit Mirror Ministries. After all, it was All Souls Day.

Motivated by the promise of treats along the way, I started up the hilly path and was greeted by a rocks that I stumbled and nearly fell onto within the first 500 feet. What a way to start. After regaining my footing, I fell behind a cute family of dad and kids encouraging one another along the way. I smiled as they maintained a healthy pace which I found easy to follow.

The wind started to pick up, and all of a sudden, I didn't care about the Gingerbread Tree, and bypassing the Gumdrop Station was a no brainer because who wants to lug around a box of DOTS on a three mile trek? All I wanted to do was get to the top so I could have an easier path down the mountain. One foot in front of the other. Slowing down, sometimes turning and walking backwards so the wind wasn't too overwhelming. But eventually, I found myself pausing along the trail, trying to catch my breath, finding that I couldn't.

I stopped. I turned around. I spotted a couple of women coming up the trail. I looked them, shook my head and said, "I'm not gonna make it. I can't finish."

They looked back at me and said, "Yes, you can. You can do it."

I saw the sweet family - the dad and his kids - who I had passed, and now they were passing me.

A bit of panic started to settle in, and I said it to myself again, "I'm not gonna make it."

I felt discouraged, like a failure. But I also felt like I had to make a decision that kept myself safe and comfortable. Resigned, I started to head down the mountain. I faced the other participants, smiling at me. And I realized they thought I had reached the top and was on my way down. And I felt like a fraud.

In that moment, I was reminded of two things:

1. The souls in purgatory

2. A talk from Msgr. James Shea that I heard back in January at the annual SEEK Conference, where he says, in part, "There is an ironclad rule in the Christian spiritual life because Satan has been overthrown, now the very worst thing he can ever do to us is to get us to give up. And if we don't give up, we always win...if we don't give up, we always win, because we have access to the sacraments. So long as we don't give up, we always, always win...All because Christ was born to save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray, O tidings of Comfort and Joy. Comfort. Joy."

   
   

I realized that it turning back, I had gone astray. I looked up at all the people who had passed me and the people who were coming up behind me and knew that there was only one thing to do: I had to turn back around -The words echoed in my mind, "For those souls in purgatory. Not today, Satan, not today. I'm not giving up today."

One step at a time. One breath and a time. One prayer at a time. I made it to the top. I was tempted to take the chocolate that the volunteers at the top of the mountain were offering. I saw the view from the top. I took in a couple of deep breaths. I was satisfied.

Predictably, the path down was much easier than the path up. I've been on 5ks before. I even completed Bloomsday in Spokane, including the infamous Doomsday Hill. But this one meant more, not because of the promised treats at the end; not even because it was for a good cause*. It meant more because it was hard...and I didn't give up, not out of my own pride or stubbornness but because of someone else.

I was reminded of something my spiritual director recently said to me: "Love means more when it feels inconvenient. When you go out of your way to pray or when you travel farther than usual for a holy hour, that's how you show Jesus that you love him." That's when it's not about me but for someone else. That's when it's hard; when it's inconvenient and messy and painful. That's when it's the cross. We don't do this well. We look at Jesus suffering on the cross, and we can say that it's the greatest love ever. We get glimpses of it and think we get it. But we don't. I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand it.

There will be other 5ks. Maybe I'll even do this one again next year. Who knows? There will be other glimpses of love, even love of the cross. And I know it won't be easy. My hope is simply this: That I take the lesson I learned face to face on a mountain, being blown by the wind, tempted to quit: that we always win as long as we don't give up. And maybe, just maybe, one day I'll receive the reward sweeter than candy: To meet those souls who were just one step away from heaven when I chose to turn around and continue the ascent.

*The mission of Mirror Ministries is to respond to domestic minor sex trafficking with the love of Christ through local education, intervention, restoration, and aftercare. Check out their life-giving ministry here.