Vulnerable

"I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26

I've had this post sitting in my blog queue for several weeks, wondering if I would ever click "publish" and knowing that no matter what I said, my words would not be sufficient. Over the past few weeks I have seen and heard so many things, enough to make your head spin and your heart break. I have seen heartwrenching accounts of people's last words pleading for their lives and hateful claims from people who have been glued to their screens. These incidents suck the breath out of me not only because of the sorrow and vitriol but because they devalue the one thing that we are supposed to be able to treasure: human love. And what better day than today, the Solemnity of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus (which is also falling on Juneteenth this year!), to reflect on human love?

I've gone through a wide range of emotions, from sadness, to hope, confusion,and discouragement. I've felt anger and frustration, and I've seen moments of light even in this deep darkness. I've found times when I felt comfortable speaking up and others when I've been struck silent because I had no words to say. I've experienced moments when I've been calm and chosen to listen and others when something in me has been triggered to feeling like I had to go on the defensive. This range of emotions is human.

Watching the images across our screens lead us to believe that have ceased being gifts from our Creator and become causes that we have to either defend or reject. They lead me to ask: If we believe in one thing, does that mean we have to reject another? Can we have civil conversations anymore without the fear of automatically being accused of being ignorant? Do we have any idea how to be human? Do we know how to love and be loved? Sometimes I feel like we really don't.

I am often left with the question of what to do. And I come up with just one thing: Embrace the messiness, even if your white garments are going to get dirty. I think that there have been so many times when people want to just be right. They want to defend themselves so that they can maintain their undefeated status, even if they are wrong. I've heard so many words lobbed at my loved ones and have had my share of them lobbed at me as well. I get it...some of these harsh words are said out of their own hurt or frustration. But uncharitable words will get you nowhere and accusations certainly don't make your point more valid. And even after you get to say your piece, there is such a thing as right and wrong.

As I look back on what I have written, I notice that there is nothing ordered or poetic about my writing. But that makes sense because there is nothing ordered or poetic about the way that the world is behaving. Nothing really makes sense. But let me make myself clear: Racism is wrong. Using your rights to infringe on others' rights is wrong. Berating people who are trying to keep the public safe because they don't give you what you want when you want it is wrong.

And while I reflect on the heart of Jesus that is certainly pierced by the hatred, ingratitude, bitterness, threats, and accusations of those who identify as his most devoted souls, I arrive at the thought that His heart must be consoled. I admit that there have been times when it was me who pierced His heart. It has been me who has hurt others with my words and actions. It has been me who has failed to reach out and speak up. It's not easy to say I'm sorry. It's not easy to say that I was wrong. But there is so much peace in laying the sword down and listening and in letting someone teach you. That's mercy. That's how someone can love you as you are but to also love you to where you are meant to be.