No Time Wasted
79 days of quarantine.
In this time, I've had my share of breakdowns, frustration, anger, and disappointment. I've filled page after page of reflections on my good days and my bad days. There have been times when I would sit with pen and paper in hand, wanting to write about anything but the pandemic, but I would ultimately decide to embrace the reality and record everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly.
With the monotony of working from home and restrictions on where I can go and what I can do, it would have been so easy to give up, get mad, and shut down. But looking back now, I am noticing once I decided that I didn't want to waste this time, good things happened. Here are a few highlights:
5 great books I've read (or am reading)
The Little Friend by Donna Tartt - Donna Tartt is one of my new favorite authors! If you like profound themes, symbolism, and skillful writing, you will enjoy her work. The Little Friend is about the death of a young boy and his sister's journey to find out what happened to him. The characters in The Little Friend are well written, but you find it difficult to find one who you are particularly fond of! This book isn't a murder mystery...Rather, I took it as a narrative on relationships, especially that between adult a child.
The Complete Stories of Flannery O'Connor - I got this collection of short stories when I found out that my friend was teaching it to her high school religion class. I had read Flannery before, and it has been an adventure exploring grace and the rejection of that gift in this book. O'Connor has been known to be the "master of the macabre," and this anthology proves that label to be accurate. Her style makes me wish she were still alive to write about the current culture in a way that is accurate but also redemptive.
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng - I borrowed this book from my roommate after seeing everyone on social media rave about how great it is. I like to keep up on some pop culture (I don't automatically know what's cool anymore-I'm old!), so every now and then I pick up a popular book like this one. I thought it was okay. Ng is a decent writer, and I can see why the story caught on. If you're looking for a lazy beach (or backyard) read, this is a good option.
The Diary of St. Faustina Kowalska: Divine Mercy in My Soul - Ok. This book is life-changing! I had heard several times that it's one of the great spiritual classics, but it seems that every time I pick up a spiritual classic, it proves to be too dense and I don't get as much out of it as I would like. But St. Faustina's diary is simply written and to the point while still managing to be spiritually profound. This is a easy read, but the entries are deep enough to consider over a lifetime. This book has opened my eyes to how much God loves us and wants us to embrace His mercy. Even for those who feel they are completely unworthy of His love, He opens His arms wide and aches for us to turn to Him. Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien - This one is a re-read. It's just fun to step back into a world of well-loved characters. This is one of those books that feels different every time you read it. Whether it's your state in life or age or some other factor Tolkien has a way of making every reader feel like they belong in Middle Earth. And I love that.
2 movies I've caught up on: Parasite and The Goldfinch
I'm not one to assume that Hollywood always knows which movies are the best ones, but out of curiosity, I decided to watch Parasite. Aside from one scene, I liked it! I was a little bit concerned that it would be tough to keep up with the Korean subtitles, but the pace of the movie keeps you wondering who the real parasite is. The Goldfinch, which did not perform as well in theaters and was declared a "flop" by many movie critics, is adapted from the novel by (you guessed it) Donna Tartt! It has been a few years since I've read the book, so I watched it in part because I wanted a refresher on the story line. From what I remember, it follows the novel pretty well, but the pacing in the movie didn't seem to quite match up with the book. My verdict: the book was better.
3 things I am trying to brush up on: Spanish, Theology, and Physical Fitness:
I am fortunate enough to be able to work from home, and I thank God that I still have a job when many others do not. But once I "clock out," I fill my time with brushing up on some useful skills: learning Spanish and strengthening my theology muscles. I've been trying to remember what I learned from high school Spanish by watching Why Not Spanish? videos, and when the option of listening to something in Spanish is available, I choose the Spanish version. I feel like my listening skills have definitely gotten better, but the oral skills still need some work! I've also been taking advantage of the Liturgical Institute's online courses! I have been loving learning more about why the liturgy is the way it is, why our churches look the way they do and a deeper understanding of the words we use in Catholic vernacular. I know I am nerding out, but it is so much fun! Third, I have taken up running! Ok...not so much running as it is running one block and walking two. But it feels so good to get out there and get moving. AND I was so happy to do a Rockette workout with my roommate today on National Tap Dance Day! Bonding and exercise...it was the best!
Ways that I've found consolation
While I'm on the topic of being Catholic, I want to be candid and say that it has not always been easy to pray when our churches remain closed. I find so much solace being able to pray in the Church,and all of my big decisions have been made in front of the Blessed Sacrament, whether at Mass or in front of the Tabernacle. But while I can't go to the Church to greet Jesus there, I have still experienced his love and mercy because He comes to me. And that is the greatest consolation I have found. I learn about His Church through writings from saints. I have learned what it means to be in holy silence. I have encountered Him especially through His Word. Sacred Scripture is alive for me in ways that it has not been opened before! I have Zoom prayer groups with women who "get" what I'm going through, and I am given the opportunity to turn towards their needs instead of selfishly considering only my own. In sharing my hurt with others, I have learned that while the Body of Christ is in its highest form in the Eucharist, but we can also encounter Him in each other. I have heard more than once that the more we hunger for Him, the more He will not leave us unsatisfied. Truly, it has been during this time of suffering that He has made Himself known even more - and even though I have days when I feel lonely, I am not alone. I have also found consolation in the women who I am lucky to call "my girls." These are some of the most generous, loving, charitable women I know! And it doesn't hurt that we laugh a lot together, too. They teach me about what it means to be patient, to invite grace into life, and how to be a better listener (and how to appreciate those who are already great listeners - my roommate is the BEST listener ever)! Our social distanced meetings are fun reminders of what it means to have a true, authentic sisterhood. When we see each other, we remember how much we miss each other, but at the same time, we also pick up wherever we left off, knowing that these bonds are stronger than any virus.
More time with family
And one last fruit of this quarantine is that I've been able to spend more time with family. As we all get older, my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews seem to know that every second we share together is precious. We span 4 different states and 3 different countries, and for the first time in a long time, we are all experiencing the same thing. Being so far away from each other, that doesn't happen often. If I could think of one thing that this virus has done, it's that it has caused us all to stop and think about each other a little more and make time for one another no matter what time it is or where we are. So many people have said that this virus has done nothing but torn us apart, but in the case of my family, we have never been closer. We spend about an hour a week battling bad connections but also laughing until we cry, playing with social media filters like middle schoolers, updating each other on what we're up to, and just loving one another. It has been wonderful!
It is so easy to sit back and complain and get angry and blame everyone from the grocery cashier to the CDC for what we are feeling. But I have found that there's no joy in that. Sitting in a pile of bitterness doesn't help me. And it doesn't help those around me either. There are many things to be upset about, and when those bad days come, I take them. I know that part of life is being able to carry the cross patiently and suffer well so that the cross isn't meaningless. So this time of COVID19 isn't just a time of waiting until we can get back to normal. This is a time to grow and be better than what we were before. It's been a time to be real about what I am feeling and experiencing but also not becoming blind to what is going on around me. And it's a time that I will not let go to waste.